Tag Archives: Masturbation

A Case for the Masturbatorium™

What if there was a solution to daydreaming and distractions in class or at work that was within a hand’s reach, wouldn’t you seize it?

As the years have gone by, I have gotten better at paying attention in class. Everyone has missed out on what was being said in class either due to their own daydreaming or a fellow student’s disruptive behaviour. In my past articles, I have addressed issues mostly pertaining to teenagers (but which continue to haunt me to this day) and I will be making the case for a solution which I came up with myself which should be particularly handy in high schools especially. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the Masturbatorium™:

Behold!

masturbatorium one

Most of my daydreaming from 12 to 22 consisted of sexual fantasies.

Within a humble closet such as this one, there would be porno magazines, tissue paper, lube as well as a small mattress to lie down on where disruptive or distracted students can masturbate in order to relieve some tension before entering class. Students could either use it out of their own volition or if a teacher requests them to do so. I personally was never a disruptive student, but know that during some sexual daydreams I had to check myself so that my mouth was not gaping open with drool sliding down my lips and many a pimply young man could be soothed by the rub-and-tug of his own hand.

I “focus-grouped” this idea with a few of my friends, some of them were for it, others were opposed and some drifted from one side to the other. Here is a summary of the main advantages and disadvantages:

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Brave New World’s World Isn’t That Bad

It’s been 10 years since I last read Brave New World, back when I was in high school. However, contrary to what I wrote in my book report, I actually thought that Brave New World’s world wasn’t that bad. I don’t remember the book that well, but that won’t stop me from writing about it.

Brave New World is no dystopia, for the following reasons:

The fact that they don’t bear their children anymore is a big pro in my book. When are we going to get the iron womb?! I realise it’s not called the iron womb, but the artificial womb, yet I like how cold and medical it sounds (like the iron lung). Then again I am one of those people who enjoys frowning at infants (because they have to learn that not everyone likes them and because I am kind of a bitch). We live in a time where mothers are crazy about midwives and doulas (Whatever that is. Okay, I know what that is, like a sort of birthing coach, but I just feel like being a bitch (again). Why does it have to sound like an organic whole grain from South America?). It seems the fashion for mothers-to-be these days is to have a natural birth. Is it a fashion or is it just because as I get older I become more aware of these things? I would expect people to be thrilled about the breakthroughs in pain killing drugs and for everyone to use an epidural. I can get why people wouldn’t want a Caesarean though, ugh what a nasty scar. Anyway, I realise that making a human in a machine is still a complex and some might argue that it’s an almost magical process that cannot be mastered by science and even if they could, what about the beautiful experiences that are pregnancy and childbirth? Ugh… most people would probably say I am immature for having such views of pregnancy, but you know what? Humans, and I am no exception, often have a problem with the more naturalistic sides of our natures, heck, there are whole religions that aim to control our animal side.

In fact, the people who want the iron womb (such as myself) have probably have misdirected anger and view pregnancy as degrading due to our own issues (and to those of you judging out there, those issues aren’t just related to physical appearance). I am mostly angry at sexist people who see women as babymaking machines. With the iron womb, we could outsource it to machines! I am also angry at parents who think having children is some great accomplishment qualifying them for sainthood. The actual pregnancy or childbirth, while difficult on the body, isn’t an achievement, so why not make it an artificial womb?! The real accomplishment is what becomes of that person when they become adults… are they half decent people? Yes? Then you can start bragging about being a great parent… or actually don’t, your child is not an extension of you. And last but not least, with the artificial womb, clean up after a “birth” is as easy as 1-2-3!

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