Tag Archives: Comedy

Defecation and Prostate Stimulation: A Hypothesis

Brenda-Lee shares her controversial hypothesis as to why men seem to derive more pleasure than women from defecating.

We’ve all experienced this scene: a man walks out of the bathroom with a satisfied look on his face, he brags to his audience about the size of the stool he recently expelled. Maybe it clogged the toilet, maybe he had to force real hard or maybe the stool made him wait for it. The stereotype is that men love to talk about their shits and there even is a South Park episode that focuses on this very issue.

Men, women and children all experience pleasure when urinating and having bowel movements. It makes sense that such a vital function would be pleasurable. You might have been too shy to admit it, but there probably have been times where you have emptied yourself and been overcome with a feeling of joy, as though a burden has been lifted from your shoulders. This joy might even last long after the feces has been expelled.

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Sushi isn’t rich in fiber.

So, everyone likes to shit, but it could be argued that men are more comfortable openly expressing their delight because it isn’t seen as ladylike to admit to defecating, let alone that a she enjoy it. While I think that this is a fair point to make and I do not have any definite answer to this question, let us look at this differently. Perhaps the reason men talk more about their bowel movements to begin with, is because they enjoy it so much. If you really like eating sushi, chances are that you will go on and on about how great sushi is. Sure, it’s possible to be keen on eating sushi without annoyingly discussing it at every opportunity, but we can all agree that someone who has only lukewarm feelings towards sushi would probably not talk about it as much. Strong feelings elicit strong opinions and strong opinions usually aren’t held silently.

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The Senile Idealist

Brenda-Lee shares her observations of a particular type of old man.

It takes all kinds of make a world and you’ve probably noticed that people fall into different categories: the incompetent boss, the naïve and angry punk, the air-headed bimbo, etc… This phenomenon should not be new to you (P.S. you are a character too). If it weren’t for our ability to categorise people into characters, we would not be able to enjoy stories (literature, TV, history, you get the picture) because we wouldn’t be able to relate to them. While some characters are more universal, there are some with which we only become familiar if we run in certain social circles.

I would like to describe a certain type of person of which I have only observed four specimens in my lifetime, they seem to be especially prevalent in academia, but I am sure they are to be found elsewhere.

Meet the Senile Idealist:

senileidealistThis man is at least 65 years old, he is still riding the waves of a brilliant career in either one of the social sciences, philosophy or theology. It has to be a “soft” field because if someone was rambling nonsense in the sciences it would be easier to ask them to back up their claims (unless they are speaking off topic). Even though it has been years since he has contributed anything of substance to his field, people keep inviting this kind of man to conferences so as to have a “big name” on the list of speakers – invitations which he gladly accepts, despite being obsolete. At these conferences or in his classes, he spends his time rambling off topic, quoting various authors though has a particular fetish for the works of Shakespeare and the Bible. You’re better off skipping class if you have the misfortune of having one as a professor and besides, as long as you ramble like him on your exam/assignment, you are guaranteed a decent grade.

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Teenagers Are Sheeple Too!

Today, we will take a closer look a the world of teenagers and correct some of their fallacies.

Every few years, newspapers and magazines run a series of articles on teenagers in the hopes of educating parents and warning them about whatever new thing teenagers have cleverly/stupidly gotten themselves into this time. When I was a child, I revealed to a girl at daycare that I hated babies. She responded, “well, you were a baby, did you hate yourself back then?” to which I replied, “I was too stupid to hate myself back then.” As a teenager, I was smart enough to hate myself and my peers, and today as an adult, I can hate everyone. But, as I have gotten wiser with age, I have realised that I’ve had it wrong all along. Lameness it not age-specific; but people specific. Sure, certain stages of life might make one more obnoxious such as childhood and adolescence, but one doesn’t discover that until one has witnessed obnoxiousness expressed at multiple stages of life. Once lame, pretty much always lame. Our personality does change during the teen years, but it still remains relatively stable, it just becomes more polished.

Straight-talk with teens

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Seriously, fuck yourselves teenagers. If you cannot, then masturbate. It’ll soothe your existential anxiety and make you less annoying.

During one’s teen years, many think that adults are sell-outs for working at that lame job, having all those responsibilities, not wanting to party, … . This is a like the archetypal teenage thought and I cannot blame people for having it, I have thought the same thing. The thing is, yes, some people get slower when they get older, but lame people are usually lame throughout all their lives and chances are that you’re lamer than you think you are. Unless you have more responsibilities, most teens have plenty of after-school hours to devote to their interests… and some people have cool interests and some people are lame. Look, if you like something passionately that is lame and superficial, you are that. If you like Twilight or Bieber, you’re like many others and who are these “many others”? Well, they’re sheeple. You’re a teen sheeple and a future adult sheeple. However, maybe the ones who think that people are sheeple, aren’t the ones who are the most mainstream in the first place so naturally, they would refer to the majority as sheeple. That could be true too. One can never be 100% sure and I am just writing an article here not conducting research, so this is just my untested theory so it’s worth what it’s worth.

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Brave New World’s World Isn’t That Bad

It’s been 10 years since I last read Brave New World, back when I was in high school. However, contrary to what I wrote in my book report, I actually thought that Brave New World’s world wasn’t that bad. I don’t remember the book that well, but that won’t stop me from writing about it.

Brave New World is no dystopia, for the following reasons:

The fact that they don’t bear their children anymore is a big pro in my book. When are we going to get the iron womb?! I realise it’s not called the iron womb, but the artificial womb, yet I like how cold and medical it sounds (like the iron lung). Then again I am one of those people who enjoys frowning at infants (because they have to learn that not everyone likes them and because I am kind of a bitch). We live in a time where mothers are crazy about midwives and doulas (Whatever that is. Okay, I know what that is, like a sort of birthing coach, but I just feel like being a bitch (again). Why does it have to sound like an organic whole grain from South America?). It seems the fashion for mothers-to-be these days is to have a natural birth. Is it a fashion or is it just because as I get older I become more aware of these things? I would expect people to be thrilled about the breakthroughs in pain killing drugs and for everyone to use an epidural. I can get why people wouldn’t want a Caesarean though, ugh what a nasty scar. Anyway, I realise that making a human in a machine is still a complex and some might argue that it’s an almost magical process that cannot be mastered by science and even if they could, what about the beautiful experiences that are pregnancy and childbirth? Ugh… most people would probably say I am immature for having such views of pregnancy, but you know what? Humans, and I am no exception, often have a problem with the more naturalistic sides of our natures, heck, there are whole religions that aim to control our animal side.

In fact, the people who want the iron womb (such as myself) have probably have misdirected anger and view pregnancy as degrading due to our own issues (and to those of you judging out there, those issues aren’t just related to physical appearance). I am mostly angry at sexist people who see women as babymaking machines. With the iron womb, we could outsource it to machines! I am also angry at parents who think having children is some great accomplishment qualifying them for sainthood. The actual pregnancy or childbirth, while difficult on the body, isn’t an achievement, so why not make it an artificial womb?! The real accomplishment is what becomes of that person when they become adults… are they half decent people? Yes? Then you can start bragging about being a great parent… or actually don’t, your child is not an extension of you. And last but not least, with the artificial womb, clean up after a “birth” is as easy as 1-2-3!

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