Born To Live In A Totalitarian Regime

It seems as though lately it is fashionable to discuss “triggering” and people want trigger warnings everywhere. The thing is, you never know what will trigger a person, so it is a pointless and censoring endeavor — a fine example of how the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. And with these fine intentions in mind, a thought occurred to me: why change the environment so as to lessen their anxiety when you can simply put them in an environment in which their anxiety is most appropriate.

In my case, my greatest fear is getting into trouble, therefore, I think my brain is ideally suited for life in a totalitarian regime.

You’re lawless now



As you can imagine, I am not an anarchist.

Imagine a world where jay-walkers were fair game for oncoming traffic, where committing one crime or one mistake lead to the dissolution of your Hobbesian social contract with the state, thereby rendering you a “free citizen”, neither subject to the law nor protected by it — a prime target for psychopathic murderers and bounty hunters. As I am typing this, I wonder why this would be a concern of mine as if you automatically lose your rights, wouldn’t you then also lose the authority of the laws to govern you? Anyway… I never claimed anxiety was always rational.

Honor system

According to the deterrence theory of crime, it isn’t so much the severity of the punishment which dissuades people from committing crimes, but rather the probability of getting caught.

take a penny

Pfff! Like I would ever leave a penny.

I hate public transportation or anything where the honor system is used. I’m not a bad person, but I am a cheapskate and firmly believe in the saying, “don’t tempt an honest man”. If I am given even the slightest opportunity to get away with not paying, I do not see that as stealing, but rather as saving. If I pay for a ticket and that ticket was never controlled, I feel like I have been ripped off for being honest. However, if I don’t pay for the ticket, I end up feeling stressed during the entire ride, on the edge of my seat, waiting for any signs of a uniformed ticket control officer so that I can pounce out of the bus as quickly as possible. If that particular municipal transport system has tickets controllers that dress in civilian  clothing, then I become even more stressed out as now I must scan for anybody who looks suspiciously confident and authoritative when walking into the bus or metro.

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Who would you rather have sex with: Trump, Jim Bob Duggar or an ape?

Imagining hypothetical scenarios is a sign of greater intelligence and allows us to prepare for future, albeit sometimes unlikely, events. While this might seem like a foolish parlor game to some, I never shy away from an opportunity to exercise my thinking muscles and neither should you.

When the challenge was originally presented to me, my choices were Trump, Jim Bob Duggar and Brock Lesnar, a WWE and UFC fighter who I find seriously scary looking. However, most people don’t know Brock Lesnar, so he has been replaced by an ape (though some would say Brock Lesnar looks like a more ape-like ancestor of modern man).

After consulting my friends, we all have different views on who we would choose. Here is a list of our thoughts:

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You are what you look like

The mind and the body are not separate entities. Think about it, religious people speak about the “temptation of the flesh”, but what is the origin of your arousal? You get aroused because sensory information is processed and interpreted by your brain which leads to physiological arousal. So boners do not corrupt the mind, your mind corrupted your penis/vagina. Not only does your mind have an effect on your body, but your body does on your mind as well which affects what kind of person you become.

Some of the points I am going to make are based on my own personal experience inhabiting my body, but I will base myself on observations I have made about other people as well as their own first hand reports. This is basically the most useless statement ever though since almost everything we say is based on our experience and personal interpretation of the world, but its just a disclaimer in case people are wondering whether what I write can account for the entirety of human existence. Answer: Probably not.

Short People

A tall friend of mine has a theory that children who grew up quickly, in terms of height, are expected to act as adults earlier on. I come from a place where people on average are shorter, but I currently live in a place where people on average are much taller. My friend’s experience could potentially only be applicable to tall people who grow up in a primarily short environment. Maybe people in my new tall-dominant environment grow up faster mentally, but that could also be due to cultural factors. I haven’t had a chance to untangle all the confounding variables, however I have asked a few tall people their thoughts on the matter and they have all agreed. I am a short person and have also discussed this with short friends and they think there might be something to this theory. One issue that I struggle with as I have been getting along with the years, is presenting myself as an adult and claiming respect. I have a difficult time embracing my sexiness, I would rather be seen as cute, but this might soon be age-inappropriate according to TV fashion stylists. I also feel like tall people are older and more mature than I am and can at times be intimidated by them, almost reduced to feeling like a child: “be respectful and don’t waste their time, you are dealing with a grown-up here.” In fact, there have been times when tall people were conversing, when I felt completely excluded from the conversation because I was not at their level. And, just to make things clear here, I am not freakishly short. In fact, I am in the average globally for women.

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Empowering Women’s Repugnance

Brenda-Lee’s plaidoyer to take the politics out of women’s grossness.

Look at this picture:


What do you see? Do you see a brave man challenging unattainable male beauty standards? Do you see a “real man” assuming that real men do not look like those in magazines or on TV? Do you see a man who views his stretch marks, wrinkles and increasingly invasive body hair as badges of honor acquired over time, proof of his wisdom, his experience, his living life to its fullest without giving a damn about the media and society’s bullshit norms?!

Or do you just see a gross hairy fat man being unapologetically disgusting? 

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Prison Menu

Those of you who have seen the movie Babette’s Feast know that Scandinavian food is not renowned for its deliciousness. It is known for being one of the healthiest diets along with the Mediterranean and Japanese diets. This might be true, but its health benefits apply to physical health only, not mental. Whenever I walk past the seafood aisle at the grocery story I cannot help, but look at the fish. They are so alien to me and unappealing. Crab and shrimp, though I do enjoy their meat, they are essentially the insects of the sea. I like to watch people eating Scandinavian dishes, trying to understand how they can enjoy such beige flavors day in and day out. When I first saw someone eat chunks of coarse brown bread covered in buttermilk and sugar in a bowl, I thought it was because they were forced to due to dietary restrictions. It was only later that I learnt that this is a common snack for people… which they enjoy. Why? Don’t ask me.

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The Senile Idealist

Brenda-Lee shares her observations of a particular type of old man.

It takes all kinds of make a world and you’ve probably noticed that people fall into different categories: the incompetent boss, the naïve and angry punk, the air-headed bimbo, etc… This phenomenon should not be new to you (P.S. you are a character too). If it weren’t for our ability to categorise people into characters, we would not be able to enjoy stories (literature, TV, history, you get the picture) because we wouldn’t be able to relate to them. While some characters are more universal, there are some with which we only become familiar if we run in certain social circles.

I would like to describe a certain type of person of which I have only observed four specimens in my lifetime, they seem to be especially prevalent in academia, but I am sure they are to be found elsewhere.

Meet the Senile Idealist:

senileidealistThis man is at least 65 years old, he is still riding the waves of a brilliant career in either one of the social sciences, philosophy or theology. It has to be a “soft” field because if someone was rambling nonsense in the sciences it would be easier to ask them to back up their claims (unless they are speaking off topic). Even though it has been years since he has contributed anything of substance to his field, people keep inviting this kind of man to conferences so as to have a “big name” on the list of speakers – invitations which he gladly accepts, despite being obsolete. At these conferences or in his classes, he spends his time rambling off topic, quoting various authors though has a particular fetish for the works of Shakespeare and the Bible. You’re better off skipping class if you have the misfortune of having one as a professor and besides, as long as you ramble like him on your exam/assignment, you are guaranteed a decent grade.

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A Case for the Masturbatorium™

What if there was a solution to daydreaming and distractions in class or at work that was within a hand’s reach, wouldn’t you seize it?

As the years have gone by, I have gotten better at paying attention in class. Everyone has missed out on what was being said in class either due to their own daydreaming or a fellow student’s disruptive behaviour. In my past articles, I have addressed issues mostly pertaining to teenagers (but which continue to haunt me to this day) and I will be making the case for a solution which I came up with myself which should be particularly handy in high schools especially. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the Masturbatorium™:


masturbatorium one

Most of my daydreaming from 12 to 22 consisted of sexual fantasies.

Within a humble closet such as this one, there would be porno magazines, tissue paper, lube as well as a small mattress to lie down on where disruptive or distracted students can masturbate in order to relieve some tension before entering class. Students could either use it out of their own volition or if a teacher requests them to do so. I personally was never a disruptive student, but know that during some sexual daydreams I had to check myself so that my mouth was not gaping open with drool sliding down my lips and many a pimply young man could be soothed by the rub-and-tug of his own hand.

I “focus-grouped” this idea with a few of my friends, some of them were for it, others were opposed and some drifted from one side to the other. Here is a summary of the main advantages and disadvantages:

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Like a Snowflake in a Blizzard

There are some issues that are just so “after school special” that they are too lame to discuss, but if they are not discussed, we would be missing out on important information.

It is a sign of aging when you feel like reaching out to youngsters out there and telling them what you wish you knew when you were their age. This is often a futile pursuit, because sometimes the only way of learning something is by making mistakes – no matter how often you’ve been warned, you need to learn the hard way.  I must be getting on with the years, because I have recently been able to put my experience into words and want to spread the gospel: you are indeed a special unique snowflake… but in a snowstorm.

Spot the special one.

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Teenagers Are Sheeple Too!

Today, we will take a closer look a the world of teenagers and correct some of their fallacies.

Every few years, newspapers and magazines run a series of articles on teenagers in the hopes of educating parents and warning them about whatever new thing teenagers have cleverly/stupidly gotten themselves into this time. When I was a child, I revealed to a girl at daycare that I hated babies. She responded, “well, you were a baby, did you hate yourself back then?” to which I replied, “I was too stupid to hate myself back then.” As a teenager, I was smart enough to hate myself and my peers, and today as an adult, I can hate everyone. But, as I have gotten wiser with age, I have realised that I’ve had it wrong all along. Lameness it not age-specific; but people specific. Sure, certain stages of life might make one more obnoxious such as childhood and adolescence, but one doesn’t discover that until one has witnessed obnoxiousness expressed at multiple stages of life. Once lame, pretty much always lame. Our personality does change during the teen years, but it still remains relatively stable, it just becomes more polished.

Straight-talk with teens


Seriously, fuck yourselves teenagers. If you cannot, then masturbate. It’ll soothe your existential anxiety and make you less annoying.

During one’s teen years, many think that adults are sell-outs for working at that lame job, having all those responsibilities, not wanting to party, … . This is a like the archetypal teenage thought and I cannot blame people for having it, I have thought the same thing. The thing is, yes, some people get slower when they get older, but lame people are usually lame throughout all their lives and chances are that you’re lamer than you think you are. Unless you have more responsibilities, most teens have plenty of after-school hours to devote to their interests… and some people have cool interests and some people are lame. Look, if you like something passionately that is lame and superficial, you are that. If you like Twilight or Bieber, you’re like many others and who are these “many others”? Well, they’re sheeple. You’re a teen sheeple and a future adult sheeple. However, maybe the ones who think that people are sheeple, aren’t the ones who are the most mainstream in the first place so naturally, they would refer to the majority as sheeple. That could be true too. One can never be 100% sure and I am just writing an article here not conducting research, so this is just my untested theory so it’s worth what it’s worth.

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Everything I Know (Off The Top of My Head) About Paraphilia: An educational rambling.

Ever wonder what makes a pervert a pervert? Did they choose to be that way and why in Heaven’s name would they stick their erection into… that? If you’re like me, these questions make up a large part of your thoughts. Years of pondering has lead me to many discoveries on the subject which I will gladly share with you. Get a drink and a snack, this is going to be long.

First things first, what’s paraphilia? It sounds like pedophilia. Pedophilia is in fact a type of paraphilia. Basically, paraphilia refers to sexual deviancy, i.e. not socially accepted behaviour or preference but that doesn’t make it necessarily immoral or unnatural in itself.The difference between paraphilia and a kink is mainly if it causes you (or the society in which you live) distress.  Paraphilia is one of my passions though I myself am not a paraphile. A lot of behaviours that are now acceptable sexual practices or orientations were once considered to be paraphilia. A big example of that is homosexuality, but you could also fit in BDSM, anal sex, even oral sex even and much much more!!! In fact, one of the first cataloguers of sexual deviancies, Richard Krafft-Ebing, who travelled through Germany and the Austro-Hungarian Empire meeting paraphiles and recording their behaviours, believed that basically, as long as it led to reproduction, it wasn’t deviant. This meant that women were very rarely considered deviant. So even if a chick liked it when her partner restrained her and defected on her, if it ended in a creampie, it was okay. Krafft-Ebing also believed that perversions came hand-in-hand with how ‘evolved’ a person was; this was based on race and so by his logic. Black people were less perverted than whites. Although today we realise that being of a particular race doesn’t make you more or less evolved, I think we still stereotype certain paraphiles according to certain groups of people. If one were to think of the stereotype of a pedophile, they would probably think of a creepy middle-aged white man, whereas if one is thinking about a panty-sniffer and proponent of frotteurism (rubbing yourself against an unsuspecting person), then they would maybe think about a Japanese person and then if one was thinking more along the lines of BDSM and coprophilia (arousal to feces), then probably one would think of a German person.

No offence!

I’ll be peppering these posts with memes otherwise no one will read this never-ending article.

For a long time I was under the impression that only serial killers or creepy people were paraphiles. As I read more true crime and watched more serial killer interviews, I realised that although some of these people were horrible psychopaths who were unworthy of forgiveness, many of them had horrible childhoods and didn’t seem any happier after committing these crimes either. That’s when epiphany struck: although these people committed terrible crimes, and they should have controlled themselves and been more empathetic; they didn’t choose to be monsters. No one actively decides, “hey, screw this heteronormative (or even homosexual-normative) world, I’m going to have sex with corpses/children/animals/etc.” Everyone who has a sex drive knows how powerful it is, it is a very difficult thing to repress. We’ve all heard about poor people from strict religious families who experience extreme amounts of shame and guilt for feeling ‘normal’ sexual attractions. Now think of someone who has a taboo sexual orientation, can you imagine how difficult it is to repress it. And yet many do. You probably noticed how I used the word ‘sexual orientation’. I will discuss the reasons why I did this in the section on pedophilia. I won’t be covering all paraphilias. It would be never-ending and unnecessary and I would be robbing you of the pleasure of making your own discoveries. The way I see it, if you can think of something weird (not necessarily sexual), the chances are that someone out there is already doing that novel thing you just thought about.

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